March 10

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“But nobody wants to hear this tale

The plot is clichéd, the jokes are stale

And baby we’ve all heard it all before

Oh, I could get specific but

Nobody needs a catalog

With details of love I can’t sell anymore”

~Aimee Mann, “Invisible Ink”

My mother knew when I was bullshitting; her intensity kept me honest, at least with her. Today’s her birthday. She would’ve turned 66.

Since her passing, I take time on March 10 to run an authenticity evaluation in her honor and for my sanity. It ain’t fancy; it’s an opportunity to check in with brutal honesty. I moved to Sweden as a result of last year’s findings.

This year, I’m in the midst of my unconventional reinvention. I’ve decluttered, unplugged, and let go to a staggering degree. This really ain’t fancy, but starting from scratch never is. However, I’ve never felt more authentic, less mucked down with bullshit. And as I look in the mirror today, I see the resolve that was missing from my eyes; I’m confident my mother’s struggle to raise me right hasn’t been wasted.

I’m creating a new book, not just a new chapter. Pattie would be proud.

Skål!

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February marks four years of play on eatingatme. This fact didn’t register until generic congratulatory messages via LinkedIn forced my hand to pay it some mind.

“Happy anniversary, you hot mess.” This is what I read every time I received a new ping.

Prior to my stint in Sweden, I viewed eatingatme as yet another ill-defined project I created or participated in as an attempt to establish identity and foster self-worth. Translation: it gave me something to say I was up to because I must always be big and impressive and on par with all of the fancy people.

Truthfully, since the heyday of Red Letter Days Events, I’d been anything but big and impressive. eatingatme reflected that; it didn’t take a rocket tinkerer to recognize that the thread of this blog had often been challenging to follow. It’s served primarily as a mirror for my life’s consistent inconsistency and a mixing board for sounding off. eatingatme’s been valuable to me, and the handful of loving readers who’ve stuck with me, but it hasn’t attracted a large attentive audience. Why would it?

I was about to call curtain on the whole thing, but then Åstorp happened. In the cold calm, this hot mess found her identity, renewed strength, and a bit of lagom (Swedes don’t really have groove, unless they’re AnnaKarin). I had something engaging to express.

And now, this, partly unnerving, all exciting: I’m temporarily in San Diego, the place where I slowly lost my game, but this time the player’s a pro. I’m in the midst of an unconventional reinvention and I’m using every ounce of my energy to stay focused on my priorities determined in Sverige. The luxury of quasi anonymity and partial solitude solidified a new perspective on life by making critical distinctions apparent.

  • I’m a writer, regardless of what I do to earn an income, where I live, or how this rates among the cool kids. It’s my most authentic craft. It’s how I breathe.
  • eatingatme is all good, whether plain and simple or big and impressive. It’s where I share my curiosities and escapades. It’s where I wander and wonder. It’s where I’m me.
  • eatingatme is also a place to engage in generous conversation that provides positive impact for others. It’s a place to satiate the soul through communication on whatever is eating at all of us. The ways this can play out are infinite, just like life. The way it can grow in reach is limitless and I’m jazzed about this process.

Today, eatingatme is something I choose to celebrate. For better or worse, richer or poorer, clearly defined or abstractly chaotic, it’s been my online home for four years.

That’s pretty fucking fancy to me.

From A Starbucks In Orange County As I Plan My Week

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I write to give authenticity, kindness, and fairness a fighting chance in my snarky, opinionated, judgmental world.

I keep starring and asking questions because I want to understand as opposed to make cavalier assumptions that don’t promote progress.

I’ve let go of those who show no interest in me and/or don’t have the guts to have a conversation. I don’t travel one-way streets.

I continue to see the value of not overwatering reality in alcohol, food, whatever. The buoyancy that comes from that is temporary and messy.

Get to the ocean as much as possible.

I Love Sverige (Reporting From Sin City And Sun Diego)

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The United States of America. The heat of southern California, the blinding lights of Las Vegas, that particular hustle and bustle found from sea to shining sea…

I’m on the other side of stoic Sweden’s salvation. I’m absorbing what just happened.

I know three months anywhere isn’t a lifetime; I’m clear that immersing myself in another country doesn’t make me special. However, the impact from my experience is HUGE.

I’m proud of myself. I can’t tell you how long it’s been since I could say that.

That feeling ignites intellectual curiosity. It creates a craving to fill every moment with progress, expansion, love, good. It’s food for the soul.

Since returning home, I haven’t known what I’ve been up to until I’ve been in the midst of it; I’ve been playing full out in the present, acknowledging my senses and appreciating the gifts I’ve been given. But the dust is settling and I’ve launched an exploration of what’s next, armed with some vital intelligence accumulated since November. My confidence in my ability to build my future is unshakeable; I’m kicking ass.

Sverige resoled my combat boots. And that’s just the beginning of the story…

(And yes, there’ll be a post about Swedish food soon.)

I Love Sverige (Upon Leaving)

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I’m just about to head to Helsingborg to take a train to Copenhagen. I leave for the U.S. today.

My thoughts and emotions are flying chaotically but now isn’t the time to craft a lengthy post about that. However, I don’t want to leave Sweden without saying the following:

Thank you for saving me. I’m obsessively grateful.

#swedensavesmysoul #apapeerosphilia #eatingatme

 

This Satiating Sunday (Blog Edition)

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This Satiating Sunday…

Sweden has saved my soul and my time spent in country is coming to a close for now. I’M TAKING ACTION ON WHAT I’VE LEARNED.

Tomorrow I begin Write Yourself Alive. I identified during the past three months in inspiring Sverige that I need tutelage with my writing; I’m craving mentorship and training. I miss the classroom and the breakthroughs that happen within that environment. Write Yourself Alive is a perfect way for me to launch that process while I’m in geographic transition.

My most important goal for 2016 is give more, take less; this requires financial stability. I’m in the process of a hunt for employment with multi-faceted rewards, location anywhere. Thanks, Sweden, for teaching me that I can create home internally and that a major missing in my world is providing for others generously, ways infinite.

I love again but more to the point, I care again. Like, down deep, ugly-embarrassing-cry-because-I’m-so-moved give-a-shit. I have several friends and family (is there really a difference?) to thank for this breakthrough; the warming of my heart was the most important outcome from my time in chilly Sweden. TO THOSE WHO, STARTING IN APRIL 2015, MADE THIS POSSIBLE, GRACIAS AND BESOS. Y’ALL KNOW WHO YOU ARE; I OWE YOU EVERYTHING. (And, yes, I’m crying while I write this.)

Thank you, Sweden. See you again in late summer.

February, get ready. You’re going to be filled with #agapeerosphilia.

#RadicalSelfLoveLetter

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This month I’ve participated in Gala Darling’s #RadicalSelfLoveJanuary Instagram Challenge (link to my Instagram account on the right side of the blog). It’s been a fun experience and has expanded my social media scope, both of which were my desired outcomes.

The prompt for today (January 28) is #RadicalSelfLoveLetter. The timing of this couldn’t be better because, currently, I’m not my biggest fan and that’s a very good thing. The letter I’ve composed is tough, and reads similar to what put me on the path to Sweden for soul saving.

It reads:

“Dear Bek:

You’re parasailing over rock bottom – be careful. You’ve hit the floor a few times in the past, as the result of circumstances that were far worse, but this time, there’s no one else at whom to point the finger but you.

This reality hurts like hell but you’ve forced your own hand. Time to make some critical changes so that everything else you’ve gained doesn’t go to shit. You deserve better, as do your loved ones.

Don’t stop ‘til you’re done.”

Friends, I’m having breakthroughs, and you’re coming along for the ride in real time. Anyone else in the sweet spot?