BUT I DIGRESS.

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Photo credit: Brett Alan

I’m committed to this whole posting every other day thing to “build the blog”. Yes, there’s intent behind the fervor and a method to my madness, but…

Right now, I’m going off script. Diverting from the hypomanic (diagnosed), OCD (self-diagnosed) treatment. I want to exult the joy one receives from being alone. Going it alone. Being the sole head of household.

Today was extra. Full of professional hustle, managing dumb health shit (fuck you, possible auto-immune crap), and investigating why Bowie (my Subaru Forester) is cranky. I’m not precious; millions had the same Tuesday, likely much worse.

In the midst of the accomplishments and frustrations, however, I paused. I stopped in my hallway and thought, “Holy shit. I’m finally light.”

That’s heavy.

I’m at the beginning of what I’ve dubbed my “magic month” for the past 10 years. In 2009, for 10 days at the end of September, I spent 24 hours daily with my mother in Buffalo, discussing our 34 years together over tea and Bison French Onion Dip. We kibitzed, argued, balled our eyes out, and laughed our asses off. It was a cherished gift, and when I flew back to San Diego, I knew in my gut that it was the last time I’d see her.

She passed away on Thursday, October 22, 2009. From the moment she died, there was a weight lifted off my shoulders that created a smog in my soul. I found some relief while I was in Sweden but the final exhalation of pain came within this past month.

I’ve been in love seven times, two of which were in the past 12 months. I’m a Cancer; it’s what we do. Both ended abruptly and sadly for me. But in the midst of the confusion and heartbreak, I found something that had been eating at me for decades.

I fully embraced the joy of being alone.

I now live solo for the first time in nearly two decades. If there’s anything that losing my mother and former partners has taught me, it’s that branding any outcome, however great or minute, with my seal of achievement is glorious. It’s the best high in the world.

And it’s of no surprise that this revelation came within my magic month. Miraculous, beautiful things like this just happen this time of year of me. (Thanks, Pattie.)

Now back to our regularly scheduled programming. And, as always, more to come.

#eatingatme

 

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