What’s Eating At Me

Photograph: Shauna Miller for Maple & Elm Photography
Photograph: Shauna Miller for Maple & Elm Photography

Why am I here? What am I doing? Who do I think I am? Am I really a writer? What am I writing? What the hell am I eating? Does anyone really give a shit about what I have to say? Have I lost my mind? Did I have a drinking problem or do I just have a doing problem? Am I a problem? Am I going to be broke forever? Am I broken? Can I do this? Was this a smart idea? Am I smart enough? Am I too dull? Will I ever be satiated? Will I ever feel at home?

Who fucking cares. Keep going.

I know I’m not alone in my crazy; billions of dollars earned by capitalizing on self-uncertainty irrefutably proves this. I also don’t know anyone who has ascended to nirvana full-time while walking this planet, so I consider my perseverations normal. (Sorry, everyone.)

Hey, I’ve leapt and now I’m here. I’m wandering and observing while building and fortifying self with shards of diamonds and brick. I’m creating a home within me…a mobile home.

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what I’ve discovered eats at me most: I’ve never felt home…ever.

Sure, I’ve had lots of friends and family with whom I hang, but very few people with whom I connect. My life in big cities has been exciting but nothing I could quite sink my teeth into; my life in small towns was just too…small. Academic environments inspired the pants off of me but always felt deeply awkward; professional communities at first felt right but then were way off. Please know that I’m completely aware that I’m the common denominator in this Greek tragedy, this tale of woe-is-me; I’m the poop. But as a wise friend once told me: “Life isn’t meant to be endured. Fight for your happiness.”

Considering I’m my own roommate for the rest of my life, this happy home thing is pretty fucking important to me. Actually, I’m landlord and tenant of this hot mess. Immobilizing fear and lack of fulfillment be damned; I’ve hitched my wagon to a horse in search of my next meal.

Nice to know what’s eating at me but what’s eatingatme, this blog, this place? Well, consider it a sanctuary of discovery and a home for those who haven’t quite found theirs. It’s where you and I will always fit in. It’s where friends become family over a great meal.

Stay tuned.

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