This morning, I posted my Facebook daily as follows:
“Today, I’m just going to love and ask for assistance where I need it. Oh, and watch some football.”
As is the case during the mornings when everything’s going my way, I feel peaceful, inspired, kind-hearted. I want to give love because I feel love (especially on Sunday mornings, when my inner Catholic time-steps her way through my mind and spirit dressed as Pollyanna with Shirley Temple curls). It’s all very kumbaya.
Then I mainline caffeine, shaking off the dreamy haze and melting away the sugar coating. I wake up fully and say, “fuck”.
This morning, however, I stopped myself at “fuck” and countered with “why”. Why the negativity? Why the anger? Go stand in front of the mirror and stay there until you figure this out because it’s holding you back everywhere, big time.
Unsurprising outcome from the mandatory fun I’ve self-imposed with 31 days of writing on eatingatme. It’s forcing me to face my shit (because I’ve deduced that it’s all it really is). I’ve grappled the past two days with what’s helpful to share (in order to hold myself accountable) and what’s unnecessarily dramatic. A time and a place for everything, I guess.
Well, here goes for today. I put on some Mark Ronson/Bruno Mars “Uptown Funk” because I might as well chair dance while I analyze my nasty and strategize how to get over it.
1. My mother’s death completely rocked my world. The reality is I lived 34+ years in anticipation of her death because the portrait of her life was framed in the conundrum that she was still alive. Not a day passed when her Lupus, her pain, her struggle wasn’t the underlying context of conversation, creating an environment of dread, sadness, anxiety, anger, and static.
Then, on October 22, 2009, there was silence. Dead silence. And I realized that I had no idea how to live without all that noise. It was deafening and debilitating. I’ve spent the past five years healing the ringing in my ears and figuring out how to exist without all of the drama. I’m still not sure and that’s very frustrating.
2. I’ve really hurt and disappointed people, including myself, and it haunts me, despite my being satisfied with some of the outcomes. I have an uncanny ability to handle my deep emotions in a shallow way to get what I want. It’s been a challenge to find the appropriate balance between honoring me, myself, and I, and others. My experience from childhood kicks in and I don’t want to “impose” but after long enough, I don’t want to see your face. Like ever.
Yeah, this doesn’t work. Trust me.
3. Add 1 + 2 and you get 3, which = me, now. And that’ll make for a great post tomorrow.